The 1984 Tipperary North Riding County Football Final (Centenary Year)

"Houlihan, did you find your boots yet?".

If we left now we'd still be on time. In those days we use to cycle to training - 5 miles there and back to Newport hurling field. Paul (Houlihan) was a handy football and hurling midfielder; Me, I was the star sub, one of the lads who kept the ball warm at half time. My height was against me I told myself. I get on the team next year.

I often didn't want to go training or to matches, standing on the sideline freezing me nads off, mindin' other lads stuff...but I went; for fear of the mother, for fear of being called lazy. On a farm there is no greater sin than laziness...well, except maybe letting the undeclared bull escape into the yard while the vet was testing; that was my finest hour. The Dad didn't look at me, except to shake his head, for weeks after. I was a bit of a day dreamer in those days.

That year we drew the Tipperary North Riding County Football final. The replay was set for the following Sunday, against Eire Og, the big guns from Nenagh. I was picked to play corner forward. I'm not jokin' ye, I nearly shit myself...This was huge! The girls would surely start fancyin' me now...I mean what's a foot in height for one with a County Medal.

The big day arrived. I played a decent game; worried the defense and made space for the older players to play and score. We won by a clear 7 points. I felt elated, but I also had another feeling. Relief. I had no wish to win really...I was a child, I wanted to play; to take part; to belong...but just the thought of going to a game filled me with aniexty. To feint injury would be dishonest; another grave sin in our house.

In the years that followed, as I never had afor passion for the playing, I slowly began to miss more training session and games. I was always on the sidelines of the GAA fraternity, but a pattern, a belief started there. Put simply, I am not good enough; Success and achievement are temporary...the fear (self doubt)and of not being good enough was constant. This constant companion has been draining me for years; stopping me from trusting the truth within me.

Now it is time to embrace it, to feel it, negate it. It has no power over my life anymore. I own it. I have no solid idea of what I'll do next, but right now it time to play; travel; challenge the unknown. It doesn't take courage anymore. Only the fearful need courage.

By the way, the mother tells me that Paul Houlihan got engaged recently. More power to him. I wonder if he still has his County Medal.

Humbly yours,
M.

Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
Mahatma Gandhi