Suan Mokkh Part 2 - There's a Pixie in me head

Did I ever tell you; I kilt a man? Well, not a man exactly, but a pixie. Eric was his name. On a holiday in New Zealand one of the girls had bought a 2 foot tall pixie from 'The Lost Gypsy Caravan' in the Catalans (a wonderful caravan filled with inventive automata and art). The four of us travelling had immediately projected a personality onto Eric changing him from inanimate object into a travelling mascot. One morning soon after I arose from my bed, little knowing I would soon commit a crime - of unmindfullness. I walked to the kitchen sleepily and decided to have some cornflakes. I opened the cupboard and saw something move on the worktop and fall to the floor. Eric had been perched there for the night. I don't remember much after that...trying to piece Eric back together...telling Edel that Eric was 'dead'...seeing disappointment slowly turn to acceptance. The group accepted that it was just one of those things, but the point of telling you the story is this; everytime I find myself being unmindful I think of Eric and it again strengthens my resolve to be mindful. It's a hard thing to do. You need some mental triggers like this. So if it is any consolation Edel, Eric is alive and well in my head.

Back to the monkey tree. So you are trying to quieten a thought. Thinking of Eric above had made me think of being 'put away' in prison, then of the phrase 'sitting like Buddha in a ten foot cell', a line from a Bob Dylan song. Suddenly the tune was in my head. My friends will know that I'm always humming a tune; have a pension for singing in the shower (thankfully Morag never minded); and am never shy if called on for a song. Think of yourselves; how often have you arrived into work and had the last song you heard on the radio running through your head for hours? This was dangerous ground for me. How now would I meditate? I reacted stongly and tried forcefully to push the song out off my mind. All the other monkeys in the tree saw this and went, well, literally apesh*t. Dylan, Shakira, Black Eye Peas, Green Day, Black Betty all played in my head over the next hour. Finally my mind quieted and returned to 'The Hurricane", after a bit of walking meditation. I managed to finally rid it from my mind, by imagining Boyzone singing the song (sorry Bob!), and this worked a treat.

Another example of this is childhood memories-which I often like to turn over in my head. One particular memory came strongly; 'The Flying Kiwi', a go-cart my brothers, and I, had built and test driven down Mannions hill (some might remember the TV show 'The Flying Kiwi'). My brother Dave had ended up under a stationary car at one stage but at that age you just bounce off, and have another go. The point being, if you are not very careful all your happy childhood memories will come flowing back because this pleases the mind...breath-in breath out does not.

While all this was going on we did have to go about the business of daily life. Living together in dorms of 20+ men. Bathing by pouring water over ourselves, lathering up, and pouring water over again. Washing clothes in tubs. Checking our rooms for scorpions and snakes. Also we were chanting Pali(Buddha's language) verses and generally trying not to entertain ourselves by reading, writing and idle thoughts such as above. It was a silent retreat so there was no talking and a lot of people walked around in a zombie state...trying to do everything mindfully! By day five 10 of 55 people had left. I considered leaving myself - but there were some benefits for all this effort and seemingly masochistic behavior.

You gain control of your own mind, your thoughts. Also you gain a deep concentration which brings with it a sense of satisfaction and well being. You have the ability to have crystal clear thoughts, be focused, and objective. You gain a greater understanding of the breath and how it effects your body. How short breathing usually accompanies anxiety/fear and long breathing accompanies calm and peaceful thoughts. You can identify how you feel in each moment, and being to live in the moment. The Buddha says 'Life lasts not long, Death lasts a long time"; Happiness is this moment - breath-in, breath-out. How often have you told someone to take a deep breath if they get over excited. It's like that, but in mediation, you get deep connection between body and mind.

On the 4th day I was doing the morning reading. Now, I've done public speaking before but it unnerves me. In Buddhist terms, it causes me suffering or Dukkha. I decided to do a case study. I didn't really think about it at all until the evening before and then it began. The reading was six pages long and read like a country western song ('I do suffer so I do'). What if I got nervous and messed up; what if I was late; what if I accidentally tripped and head-butted a monk...yada-yada; so I detattached myself from it. I had a tight feelin in my gut but no corresponding emotion to go with it. The reading went fine and afterward there was a strong feeling of relief that it was over. I detached myself from this as well. This has been a pattern of behavior/feeling for me in numerous things that are outside my 'comfort zone'. Of course I had learnt to deal with this stress in my own way; we all experience these emotions. Understanding and controlling these emotions, now the mind works in these cases; this is very empowering.

On the 5th or 6th the tone of the talks started to change subtlety. We were no longer being educated on Buddhism but being treated as 'Dhamma friends', believers of the true nature of things. At this point my defenses went up a bit - maybe the mother was right and they were trying to covert me. As I say, it was stuble and maybe not their intension. The fact of the matter is I do not have a nililistic bone in my body (although Buddhists hate this word they can't fully dis-own it). I belive there is a place in life for strong emotion - true love, beautiful sunsets, the buzz of skiing fast, the joy of seeing Kilkenny finally lose an All-Ireland (sorry Richie). Also Buddhism has been called an atheist faith because they don't believe in God in the traditional sense (they don't see it as worthy for discussion -Dhamma is God), I was brought up to believe in God, and whatever issues I may have with my own faith, I still do. So no need to worry Ma, unless they drug me and lock me in room 216, they won't be converting me. I eyed the chocolate soy milk at tea with suspicion.

So anyway we continued learning how to become familiar with the breathing, particularly the long breathing which would bring us to the next step of total concentration and connection of mind and body, the ability to form and manipulate mental objects, and finally to start to see the true nature of world ('It is your mind that is moving'). My effort lagged-possibly because my defenses were up or because I really wasn't seeking Nirvanna. Day 9 was a completely silent day given totally to meditating. I used this and returned to my own agenda.

Meditating to clear my mind, I thought about life, my own plans, short and long term; how I had found myself here; what I was going to do to earn a crust when I returned home to 'normal' life. The silence was great, the distractions few making it easy to think and do a bit of mental house keeping.

Overall I found the retreat very beneficial and they did impress on everyone how simplifying your life can help you achieve a calmer more positive attitude. The wisdom I take with me:
- Possessions owe us not we them
- Be thoughtful kind and forgiving, it will make the world a better place
- Live in the moment, happiness is now not a plan for the future
- When you talk to someone treat them like they are the most important person in the world (i.e. full attention)
- Do your best in everything you do, and do it with loving kindness
- Be mindful

Learning about a different religion sometimes made me feel like I was back in first class preparing for First Holy Communion. In fact the 5 percepts of Buddhism are not unlike the Ten Commandments, with the references to God ommited. It was good to revisit the foundations. Only briefly, while chanting, did I feel like I was worshiping a false God but I searched my conscience and it was clear.

On the last night the group shared insights. I was so tired from sleeping on a concrete bed that I didn't have the energy to share but some of the retreatants did; mostly US or German. One lad was gay so segregation didn't work for him. On the second day he took off his glasses and practiced 'Blindfullness with breathing'. A good few couples had come on retreat together - one on their honeymoon! For some it was their 2nd or 3rd retreat and they were recharging their spiritual batteries. Others had experiences that I incorporated in the main blog-not everything I talked about was experienced directly by me.

Suan Mokkh is an idyllic place with beautiful wildlife and beautiful people. I admire the monks and nuns for their commitment to what they believe and the selfless way they share their time and wisdom. I also admire Buddhism for it religious relativism (I think this is the right term); they want to make the whole world a better place to live, at least the ones I met did, and will work with everybody who is like-minded. I am like-minded.

Peace man,
M.

"Living a truly ethical life in which we look to put the needs of others first and provide for their happiness has tremendous implications for our society. If we change internally, disarm ourselves by cutting to the root of our negative emotions, we can literally change the world."
The Dala Lama